aslong as im alone im ok.
aslong as there isnt other people feelings included im ok.
aslong as im not too close not too far im ok.
aslong as im dealing with other people issues and mine are out of the picture im ok.
mingling my issues with others is not a really good idea.
im always ok but not nessecarily happy.
one man needs to feel peoples love and warmth every now and then.
one man needs to feel that somone really cares.
one man needs to be taken care of looked after, just like a little baby.
one man needs to surrender unjudged.
i need to surrender, but im always afraid, of what exactly? im not really certain.
surrendering means letting go, letting go means getting deeply involved, deeply involved means too many details, too many details means complicated, complicated means problems, problems mean pain.
im afraid of pain!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Awaiting the reflections
Today was a kind day.
i noticed somthing different abt somone with me at college, somone i dont know well at all but had a situation with in my first year of college, an unpleasnt one... and today i thank the circumstances that made me react the way i did that day 3 years ago, today i touched the meaning of offering goodness and recieving it inreturn, even after 3 years!
it doesnt matter how long it takes, as long as u belive in your heart that what u once gave will not go to waste, it will reflect back at you, it will self reincarnate and come back to you in its best of forms (best varies and is very relative).
on my way back home ostaz sherif a 60 somthing year old man gave me a ride back home.
he had silver hair a tidy silver beard and light skin with small eyes, he looked a bit turkish, he was dressed nicely and it seemed like he took good care of his car mechanicly and cleanliness wise, he had omkolthoum playing.
He was talkative, not boringly talkative though.
i really dont remember how he started up a conversation with me... but we talked abt people and how he likes dealing with foriegners because he feels that they respect the hole fact that he or anyone else is a "human being" and that only being one made u such an important person with many rights to demand and many services to offer.
he then asked me if i was orthodox or protestant, i told him neither and immedietly asked him why would he ask me such a question, and that it wouldnt make any difference finding out my religion and we had a talk abt that a little, which i guess impressed him because he started complimenting, praising and flattering me all the way home till i was abt to burst... but he did it in a way that seemed that he really believed what he was saying there was such sinceraty abt him that really got to me, he made me wish that him having "a good sense abt ppl" was really true(as he claimed he has), so that all the things he said abt me could be true!
he also noted that he thinks that im underestimating myself, and he wondered why... but my usual answer was ready (as he wasnt the first to point that out for me) "that im simply being realistic!".
in the end, i discovered that there is one important thing we (sherif and i) share an incommon passion for, which is the love of people, regardless their color race religion or beliefs...
im a little concerned abt my colleague, the one i talked abt in the very start... didnt seem ok, noticed weight loss, tired eyes, yellow face.. i dont know... i just hope everyone is ok!
i prepared my painting corner all the tools are ready...waiting for me!
Awaiting the reflections in my life and on my canvas.
i noticed somthing different abt somone with me at college, somone i dont know well at all but had a situation with in my first year of college, an unpleasnt one... and today i thank the circumstances that made me react the way i did that day 3 years ago, today i touched the meaning of offering goodness and recieving it inreturn, even after 3 years!
it doesnt matter how long it takes, as long as u belive in your heart that what u once gave will not go to waste, it will reflect back at you, it will self reincarnate and come back to you in its best of forms (best varies and is very relative).
on my way back home ostaz sherif a 60 somthing year old man gave me a ride back home.
he had silver hair a tidy silver beard and light skin with small eyes, he looked a bit turkish, he was dressed nicely and it seemed like he took good care of his car mechanicly and cleanliness wise, he had omkolthoum playing.
He was talkative, not boringly talkative though.
i really dont remember how he started up a conversation with me... but we talked abt people and how he likes dealing with foriegners because he feels that they respect the hole fact that he or anyone else is a "human being" and that only being one made u such an important person with many rights to demand and many services to offer.
he then asked me if i was orthodox or protestant, i told him neither and immedietly asked him why would he ask me such a question, and that it wouldnt make any difference finding out my religion and we had a talk abt that a little, which i guess impressed him because he started complimenting, praising and flattering me all the way home till i was abt to burst... but he did it in a way that seemed that he really believed what he was saying there was such sinceraty abt him that really got to me, he made me wish that him having "a good sense abt ppl" was really true(as he claimed he has), so that all the things he said abt me could be true!
he also noted that he thinks that im underestimating myself, and he wondered why... but my usual answer was ready (as he wasnt the first to point that out for me) "that im simply being realistic!".
in the end, i discovered that there is one important thing we (sherif and i) share an incommon passion for, which is the love of people, regardless their color race religion or beliefs...
im a little concerned abt my colleague, the one i talked abt in the very start... didnt seem ok, noticed weight loss, tired eyes, yellow face.. i dont know... i just hope everyone is ok!
i prepared my painting corner all the tools are ready...waiting for me!
Awaiting the reflections in my life and on my canvas.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Dream for sale
ive been wanting to do and say many things lately and all i do is hold myself back... besause its either inappropriate, bad timing, will not repair the broken or to simply save myself embaressment and awkward situations.
holding back requires strength, a kind of strength am not sure i possess.
tv, remotes, cars, mobile phones, computers, neon lights, sky scrapers, high heels, junck food, "organic", medication, homosexuals, diamonds, shopping malls, cosmectics, plastic surgery, sattelites, stockmarkets, guns, war, athesim... they all represent one idea, they are all an illusion of a big dream (nightmare), a dream for sale, a dream im not willing to buy.
i like riding the metro when its not so crowded, i like riding it at abt 4:30 on a day off, everyone looks relaxed the sun is warm and golden... people on the metro are an intresting subject to gaze at for a hole 20 mins...
zahret el bostan hiding in the alley beside cafe riche in down town... cozy, they have good mango juice and mooz belabann.. but they dont have green tea.. i miss green tea. with mint!
i had a dream.. i dreamt that i gave birth to a baby boy and i wasnt able to name him.
i shud give myself a chance to remember my dreams the moment i wake up, i shud give myself three mins.. just laying there, i think it should help me recall my dreams... i think a dream is a very important part of who you are, we should give it the time and attention it needs.
holding back requires strength, a kind of strength am not sure i possess.
tv, remotes, cars, mobile phones, computers, neon lights, sky scrapers, high heels, junck food, "organic", medication, homosexuals, diamonds, shopping malls, cosmectics, plastic surgery, sattelites, stockmarkets, guns, war, athesim... they all represent one idea, they are all an illusion of a big dream (nightmare), a dream for sale, a dream im not willing to buy.
i like riding the metro when its not so crowded, i like riding it at abt 4:30 on a day off, everyone looks relaxed the sun is warm and golden... people on the metro are an intresting subject to gaze at for a hole 20 mins...
zahret el bostan hiding in the alley beside cafe riche in down town... cozy, they have good mango juice and mooz belabann.. but they dont have green tea.. i miss green tea. with mint!
i had a dream.. i dreamt that i gave birth to a baby boy and i wasnt able to name him.
i shud give myself a chance to remember my dreams the moment i wake up, i shud give myself three mins.. just laying there, i think it should help me recall my dreams... i think a dream is a very important part of who you are, we should give it the time and attention it needs.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
A new canvas
i miss the process of sharpening my pencil, taking my time, and thinking of a million things when doing so.
i miss the sound of my pencil on textured paper... i miss the the strokes, the varying forces of pressure, all the shades and tones the lines curves and figures...
i miss the brush the canvas and the strong smell of cheap turpentine.. i miss my palette, the half full color tubes all so squashed and scattered, i miss the process of mixing colors trying so hard to come up with the perfect shade of color, i miss my sprint to the stationary store across the street to buy a particular shade of blue that would give me my ever so magical shade of purple when mixed with deep red.
no outlines, only areas of colors does it all...
Black is not aloud on my palette, in my tool box or anywhere near me, i miss giving black away or even throwing it out the window!
its been long, i really missed u my dear muse, its always tough times without you around.
i miss the sound of my pencil on textured paper... i miss the the strokes, the varying forces of pressure, all the shades and tones the lines curves and figures...
i miss the brush the canvas and the strong smell of cheap turpentine.. i miss my palette, the half full color tubes all so squashed and scattered, i miss the process of mixing colors trying so hard to come up with the perfect shade of color, i miss my sprint to the stationary store across the street to buy a particular shade of blue that would give me my ever so magical shade of purple when mixed with deep red.
no outlines, only areas of colors does it all...
Black is not aloud on my palette, in my tool box or anywhere near me, i miss giving black away or even throwing it out the window!
its been long, i really missed u my dear muse, its always tough times without you around.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
ف العصر هيدخلوا مصر
يا خوفى لو حل العصر, و لائناهم دخلو مصر واحنا كتير و الخيبة مزينة الجبين.
ربع خنافس و ربع.. مسطول.
ربع بايع القضية و طفشان مالبلد, اهو كده بيقول.
ربع نزل القصة و ورانا اللباس, والروج لا غنى عنه يخللى الشفايف تتباس.
و ربع تعالب وديابة بكروش جعانة صعرانة, صعب تتملى. وحش بنى آدم لما بيفترى.
امنتى ألأرض هترتوى... امتى الهم هينطوى...
Monday, January 26, 2009
Part 2
Part 2 includes a "bad memory" and a "hurry"!
well the one most important incident was the safari till now... i went on a safari with a battery-less camera, what makes things worst is that there was so much to capture, they would've been amazing shots... the women there were so much like the women described in "wa7att al3'oroob", the one thing that really caught me was the striking eyes...
she was standing in the corner gazing at us, all that connects u to her is that little naked area around her eyes, its the only window for her to reach out.. that IF shes allowed to!
her from if u imagine her as a silhouette was like 2 pyramids on top of each other a big one on top of a smaller upside down pyramid, she was wearing something that looked like a black tent with a colorful gelbab underneath, the black cover on her face had beautiful work in gold and some metals with earrings attached to the cloth... black kohl filling the brown eyes.
underneath all that magic hides a little infant carried on her back, i went inside said hello and departed, it was so warm inside that tent, the boy was laying there asleep like hes still inside his mothers womb... safe.
the camels were sitting as if they were parked, the owners standing beside them yelling "ta3ali ta3ali", all surrendered to their first invitation call and i decided to take my time and pick one i like... i walked between the camels and it didnt take me long to settle on one... the owner was a female that stood still next to her female camel, she stood silent for women are not allowed to speak without the permission of their men there, i liked her silence and i liked how her camel seemed so different than all the others it was brown with relativly long brown hair, beautiful eyes, long eye lashes, busy mouth and the kindest sweetest look ever :)
phone ringing ested3a2.. hv to go, will be bck again!
well the one most important incident was the safari till now... i went on a safari with a battery-less camera, what makes things worst is that there was so much to capture, they would've been amazing shots... the women there were so much like the women described in "wa7att al3'oroob", the one thing that really caught me was the striking eyes...
she was standing in the corner gazing at us, all that connects u to her is that little naked area around her eyes, its the only window for her to reach out.. that IF shes allowed to!
her from if u imagine her as a silhouette was like 2 pyramids on top of each other a big one on top of a smaller upside down pyramid, she was wearing something that looked like a black tent with a colorful gelbab underneath, the black cover on her face had beautiful work in gold and some metals with earrings attached to the cloth... black kohl filling the brown eyes.
underneath all that magic hides a little infant carried on her back, i went inside said hello and departed, it was so warm inside that tent, the boy was laying there asleep like hes still inside his mothers womb... safe.
the camels were sitting as if they were parked, the owners standing beside them yelling "ta3ali ta3ali", all surrendered to their first invitation call and i decided to take my time and pick one i like... i walked between the camels and it didnt take me long to settle on one... the owner was a female that stood still next to her female camel, she stood silent for women are not allowed to speak without the permission of their men there, i liked her silence and i liked how her camel seemed so different than all the others it was brown with relativly long brown hair, beautiful eyes, long eye lashes, busy mouth and the kindest sweetest look ever :)
phone ringing ested3a2.. hv to go, will be bck again!
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